Working with the enemy
Behaviour / 01 July 2010
How to say no to irrational requests
Sometimes it can feel like there are no good choices. However,you’ve always got options – it’s how you present them that counts.
How to say no nicely
Don’t say “no, that’s impossible” – let people reach that conclusion by themselves. Instead, offer them three ‘yes’ options, and put your preferred option in third place. So instead of saying “No, I can’t do a full report by 3pm”, you might say “I can let you have an un-thought-through paragraph now, or a sketchy one in an hour, or a prepared recommendation by 9am tomorrow”. And then the important bit, “You choose”. If they insist on the impossible, calmly repeat the options that are possible.
Make sure there are at least three options
Sometimes we have no choice over what we have to do, but we always have a choice over how we go about it. We generally need at least three options to avoid feeling trapped, and we need at least three appealing options to feel that there is real choice. Remember, the two options we always have (with consequences for both) are to put up with the situation or to get out before things get even worse. A third option, which is clearly the most desirable, is to find a way of changing the situation for the better.
Avoid mixed messages
Sometimes, someone will offer us two options without specifying which they’d actually prefer. This is where mixed messages come in. The best option is to give the messages back, for example, “You said X, then you said Y – can you clarify, please?”
Don’t let them feel they’ve lost
No one likes to feel like a loser, or look like a loser in public. They’ll want revenge for their humiliation, and if we think we’ve got an enemy now, well we haven’t seen anything yet. Allow everyone to save face by thinking they made their own choice
The power of stating the obvious
There is a sleight of mouth pattern that is often used by hypnotists, manipulators, sales people etc, of stating two obvious things, followed by a third statement which is an embedded instruction. For example;
- I’m not saying it was done deliberately, nor that anyone wanted it to turn out badly and so, as I know we all want the best, I’m going to propose X, okay?
- You may wonder how I can show my face after yesterday, well, it was a difficult situation for everyone, wasn’t it, so how about we get on with the project and leave the emotions behind, please? So. Any ideas on what we should do next?
- I know you don’t really want to do this. And I know you’re really, really busy. But I know you want the best results possible, so you’ll help me out, yes? A typical reply to this could be: “You’re right, I don’t want to do this. And you’re right, I am really very busy. And that’s exactly why I don’t want to do this, because I don’t have enough time to do it well. Take away projects A, B and C from me and I can happily do it. You decide.”
Question everything
The structure of a sentence or question, followed by a tag question, such as ‘can’t it?’ or ‘don’t we?’ is a common way of getting someone to think they have thought things through for themselves. It’s also a good stalling device.
Make them choose
Adding the words ‘you decide’ when presenting your three options is a great way to hand the decision back to the person who should be making it.
If you have two bosses and they both demand priority, you need to explain that the priorities are theirs and you can’t prioritise one person’s priorities over another’s. Since you want to do a good job for both of them, ask them to decide between them what is most important, then give you a single list.