Humour: Would I lie to you?

Columns / 27 October 2011

Companies are always trotting out trite statements about their commitments to customers, but hardened cynic Stewart Gowans says he just can’t trust them

In our daily lives, we take so much on trust, and in recent times this topic has been very much in the headlines. We are in a crisis of confidence about, well, everything. First it was bankers and their creative ways of adding things up. I say creative because they even added up stuff that wasn’t there, such as assets.

Next, we discovered that some MPs couldn’t be trusted to tell the difference between their expenses and er... fraud. I think it was the ‘Houses’ bit of Houses of Parliament that confused the poor dears, making them think they could claim for more than one abode.

And now it’s the media’s turn to stand in the dock over matters of trust. But let me make one thing clear before I carry on: although I’ve been a PR consultant and journalist for many years, I’ve never written or worked for the News of the World. The recent phone hacking scandal was truly shocking, but at least I personally feel safe from any intrusion of that kind. After all, if a journalist ever hacked into my mobile, all they would find would be messages from my phone provider telling me how I could get 3 million free texts if I paid them even more each month. Or from my mother telling me she’s in Asda and they have a special offer on Jaffa Cakes (she knows they’re my favourites).

If a journalist ever hacked into my mobile, all they would find would be messages from my phone provider telling me how I could get 3 million free texts if I paid them even more each month, or from my mother telling me she’s in Asda and they have a special offer on Jaffa Cakes.

Stewart Gowans

If we’re talking about the media, we have to include the increasing influence of the internet. I personally believe everything I read on the web – all those sites claiming that Princess Diana was killed by Winston Churchill, all those emails offering to enhance my bits and pieces, all those requests for my bank account details from banks I don’t even have accounts with. I’m a sucker for it all.

Sniffing out the lies

Advertising is another area where trust is problematic. Ad people are experts in psychology; they know that we actually want to trust, we want to believe. Take perfume, for example. We all like to think that one squirt of something ridiculously expensive will make us irresistible to other people. More than anything, advertising sells hope. A perfume called “Despair by Calvin Klein” just wouldn’t sell.

Having said that, there’s rather a lot of evidence that people have become quite sophisticated at recognising the exaggerated claims in advertising. That’s why brands are so important. People buy brands they can trust; they go for products and services that deliver every time. 

For any organisation, its reputation – the trust people have in it – is an increasingly key issue and one that obsesses senior management teams in every sector. An organisation’s “reputational assets” – or lack of them – can make or break the business. But in the corporate world, trust is a minefield as there are so many transparent lies floating around. Let’s look at some of my favourites.

“People are our most important asset.” If you ever hear anyone from senior management say this, I’d advise you to bring your CV up to date pretty pronto, as it usually comes just before the announcement of mass redundancies.

Then there’s our old friend: “We have a performance-based culture.” Really? Then how come, despite profits falling through the floor, the chief executive keeps getting bonuses or, when the head honcho gets sacked for manifestly failing to do their job well, loads of senior people get huge payoffs? 

And let’s not forget this one: “The customer comes first.” Or in CEO speak: “We are a customer-centric organisation.” Are you serious? If my electricity supplier really cares about me, why does it keep sending bills addressed to Mrs Sewage Gardens? And why can’t I ever talk to a human being when I ring a call centre without going through so many options that I feel there should be one that says, “Press 9 if you have lost the will to live.” And don’t even mention the old chestnut, “Your call is important to us.” It isn’t. It really isn’t.

Sinister slogans

Then there are the more sinister and threatening corporate mantras dressed up as positive statements. The best example is: “We have an open culture and are a listening organisation.” Now, I’d be very, very, careful if you ever hear this one – it actually means, “Don’t rock the boat or you’ll be fired.”

Finally, my all-time favourite: “We value learning and continuous improvement.” This means the company will give you a day’s worth of cheapo training once a year in the function room of a Travelodge next to Junction 12 of the M1.

Maybe I’m being too cynical and negative about all of this. So to leave you on a more positive note, did you know that according to a statistic I’ve just made up, 90% of people who read this column are highly intelligent and will be successful in their careers? It’s true. Trust me.